When it comes to children and divorce, thousands of kids are exposed to its stresses every year. While their reactions will vary widely based on their age and personality, there are some constants you should keep in mind as you work through the process.
Be Prepared for Unusual Emotional Responses
It might seem unusual for your child to lash out or express anger and frustration, but divorce is a new stressor they may not be capable of coping with. The results can be uncharacteristic outbursts, sadness, shock, worry, and irritation.
While kids are more flexible and capable of coping than many adults, they still need patience, understanding, and support.
Children and Divorce: What Parents Can Do Regardless of Age
There are a few essential guidelines you should keep in mind:
- Do not engage in heated discussions or arguments in front of your kids. Similarly, you’ll also want to keep the legal talk and negotiations away from them.
- Embrace routine. Keep their daily lives as usual and as constant as possible. Please try to avoid disruption and keep them grounded in the familiar.
- Avoid blame. Keep the blame game reigned in if you’re outside a therapist’s office. It’s incredibly tempting to point fingers and lay fault at the other person’s feet, but this can be extremely hard on your kids.
- Co-parent as much as possible. Both parents will need to be involved in their kids’ lives. Work out the best way to attend recitals, sporting events, and classroom presentations. If you can’t be in the same place together, that’s okay. Work out a schedule, and do your best to tape and view events when you can’t attend.
- Get professional help. You’re going to need support throughout your divorce and after. You may want to turn to your kids, but don’t. Even older children who want to lend a shoulder shouldn’t be burdened with the details and the animosity that often accompany the ending of a marriage. Instead, lean on friends, relatives, a trained therapist, or your local church. These are all safe outlets for providing you with the support you need.
Discussing the Divorce for the First Time
When it’s time to tell your kids the news, steel yourself for a tough conversation. There’s no easy way to do it, and it will be better if both parents are present for the initial discussion. While you may feel anger or guilt, set those feelings aside. It’s essential to remain calm and collected throughout the conversation.
It’s Not You; It’s Us
Regardless of how old your kids are, it’s important to reinforce that none of what’s happening is their fault. It’s natural for kids to assume they’ve caused the split for one reason or another; it’s a human tendency to assume blame on behalf of others. So it’s critical to tell them and continue reminding them throughout the process, and after that, none of it was their fault.
It’s also important to reinforce that even if you two no longer love each other, you still love your kids with all your heart. And that even if you argue and have disagreements and can no longer get along as well as you once did, that’s a natural part of life. People grow and change, but it doesn’t impact your love for them.
Be Honest About What Life Will Be Like Post-Divorce
While it might be tempting to sugarcoat the situation (You’ll get TWO Christmases! How EXCITING!!!), setting a child’s expectations is essential. Let them know where they will go to school and how their time will be spent with each of you. The amount of detail you go into will likely depend on the child’s age, but be open about the changes and honest about the challenges your kids are likely to face.
In the case of older children and divorce, consider how to answer their questions about the ending of your relationship. Again, it’s important to avoid blaming one another. So consider how you’ll field questions about fighting, angry outbursts, and even suspected infidelity.
Be prepared to answer any of the following:
- Where will I be living?
- Do I have to go to a new school?
- Will I be moving somewhere new?
- Where will I spend my birthday/Christmas/other holidays?
- Will I be moving away from my friends? When can I see them?
- Will I have to change soccer teams/piano teachers/other hobbies I love?
If you don’t have an answer, let them know you hear their concerns and will work to create a solution together.
Wondering about Custody and Other Child-Related Divorce Issues?
If you have questions about the divorce process, reach out to one of our family law attorneys in Alpharetta, GA. Find out more about children and divorce by calling (770) 475-2521 for a free consultation with the Reeder Law Firm.
